I put boundaries with my mother (Part 2)

Read Part 1 here.

I put boundaries with my mother by simply stating that ties would be cut. She is to be distanced from my own family, which comprised my wife and kids. This was no easy decision, and it took the counsel of my wife to decide upon this as a unified body. It is tough when boundaries have to be placed on those you care about, and the depth of history only adds more weight to that.

As expected, my mother did not take our announcement well and became more aggressive in asserting her way into things with me. She began throwing blame at my belated father who passed away 14 years ago. She dug her heels into how cutting ties was a traditional, serious action with grave consequences. I maintained composure as she attempted to manipulate my words against me.

Sometimes, that is all you can do. In fact, it might be the most effective thing to do. At that moment, I was unshakable and more sure of anything that boundaries were absolutely necessary. I chose to forgo rage in favor of not escalating this any further. I did not want to give her the satisfaction of provoking a reaction out of me. She would not succeed.

I affirmed to her with sincerity that this was a hurtful thing to do for both sides. I emphasized that I did not want to do this to our relationship, but needed to see it through for the time being. Stressing the promising potential that this was something to be done for the moment gave her no peace, and she continued to attempt at arguing with me about what was happening. I stood my ground.

Being a parent is hard. Being a child of an abusive parent is arguably harder, if not at least equal. Boundaries to me did not mean a permanent withdrawal from her presence in our lives, but it anchored in on what was necessary for the sake of our wellbeing. I thought of my wife and kids, and what her influence would be like toward them. She was quick to show me that as she verbally attacked my wife for standing up to her over how she treated our children.

It has been two weeks since we returned from Malaysia, and all I have had to say to clients was how “busy” our time over there was. In truth, I feel angry and hurt by having to put down these boundaries with my mother. Yet, I am glad that I have my wife and therapist to support me in processing it all. I think that is important to know, that you are not alone in these boundaries. You are still wanted.

Placing boundaries does not make you the villain or victim. If you would like to know more about boundaries and how to process that, we can help you. We invite you to get in touch with us or book online. We look forward to serving you.