I put boundaries with my mother (Part 1)

Parent-child relationships are complex things, filled with trials and tribulations. The complication comes with heightened emotions and opinions, especially as the people involved progressively age. Children find their own sense of identity and may begin to stray away from the norms that their parents have created in the household, for the household. Unfortunately enough, this is where the friction happens.

Everybody has a family history, but mine just happens to carry intergenerational trauma. My mother carries much of that to this day. Due to this reason, she lacks proper conflict management and emotional regulation skills. Now, being raised by such a person did have an impact on me.

Such effects included the dysfunctional anxiety and anger that I had to take years to unlearn. In fact, I am still on that journey to this day. It is not easy and requires mindful intervention. Yet, I am happy to state that I no longer suffer as much from it as I used to. Of course, intergenerational trauma does not just go away from someone, and I was vividly reminded of that when I returned to visit this time around after 3 long years.

The first thing I noticed was how her anxiety was projected as overt critiques of people around her. I witnessed her aggressive tone and negative body language intensify the more she did not get her way on things she had set out to accomplish. She was quick to be agitated and annoyed. It was startling and familiar to me at the same time.

The second thing I took note of was how there was a perceived sense of entitlement and victimizing. She really believed that she was right and knew better than others. Moreover, the sense of being a victim when all else failed was very obvious. Basically, it was her way or the highway, do it or suffer. By suffering, I meant facing an onslaught of guilt-tripping and shaming tactics she would use against you.

You would think that being a clinical counsellor allows for the ability to separate my own emotions from the situation. However, I also have a biased opinion of who she is, emotions towards that, and a relationship outside of counselling to tie it all together. This leads to the aforementioned friction.

Of course, this came to a point where I could not tolerate it any longer, and that is when I laid down the boundaries in our relationship.

Read Part 2 here.