I grieved a living person

It is common to think that grief centers around losing a person or beloved animal to death. I had this mindset for the longest time, whereby we shed tears of a different pain when someone is lost to us forever. It has taken many years to recognize that grief plays a heavy role in recovering, and it has taken even more time to understand that grief is not selfishly reserved for those that died.

A non-death loss is something quite a number of people will have had experience with throughout their lifetimes. Anything from a breakup to being diagnosed with a terminal illness is considered as such. That person is not exactly lost forever, not for the moment at least. In fact, I believe that their current existence in your surrounding awareness brings in an onset of suffering, unlike any other.

We suffer with a new sense of pain. Pain and hurt from the knowledge that the loss walks among us in the most literal sense. It is not as easy to move on from something that exists as much as it can be easier to do it with something that is truly gone. The struggle comes when we see the person of the non-death loss - the ex-boyfriend we loved so much, the beloved wife who is deteriorating in front of us.

We are conflicted by their presence over how we want what we cannot have control over. There is a great desire to help, hold and have, but it is met with much prevention to do so. For that, we grow frustrated, confused, and frequently overwhelmed. We fight about recognition, argue over understanding, and wrestle with acceptance as a result.

It is an aggressive and tiring way to grieve, yet this is exactly what we are doing. I recall it differently now, remembering what happened to a relationship that was significant to me at one point. It was truly an undesirable outcome, and I yearned for a chance to change the circumstances that led up to it. Anything would be better than this.

I became intrinsically helpless in the process of forced separation. The word “forced” pushed itself into my inner critic. It became an usual term in my vocabulary when reflecting on what had transpired. I blamed and bargained with myself and what was around me. Nothing made sense, and matters that did were irrelevant. I became hypocritical in my hyper-critical nature, and it was destroying me within.

I had never felt that degree of hopelessness mixed in with perseverance without direction. Here I was, enduring the suffering and trudging on for something I know logically to be irreparable at this time. What I did not realize then, was the temporary character my pain had. You see, I fixated on time in the wrong way. I noticed the unbearable seconds that passed with my loss, and nothing much else from it.

What I failed to dial into was the fact that I will eventually get desensitized to the non-death loss, I just needed to go through it first. To grieve a living person is triggering. The emotions battle with rationale, and may very well serve to win most days. I was no exception to that. Grieving takes courage and the capacity to stay mindful of the now.

The awareness was key for me to endure the heartache and tensions from my non-death loss. It supported me in reconciling the lack of control I had with this forced separation. Moreover, I had to come to terms with my autonomy in the situation. What I could manipulate was myself, and what I could do about it. I began to see that I had a choice.

I will not lie and say that seeking counseling did not assist with this. It sounds biased coming from a clinical counselor, but I will maintain my stance on it. In the end, what I learned from grieving a living person was that it takes on a unique form of pain and struggle. There is no smooth way to deal with this, and it will need time. However, what eases it is what you make of the time you have during this.

Remember, you have a choice in how you grieve. This gives you more control over the situation than you might think.

I hope this was insightful or thought-provoking for you. If you would like to explore more about grieving a non-death loss, we are here to be contacted or booked online.